After making the obligatory post-birthday “thank you for all the messages” post on Facebook I look at my beautiful cat Elliott, who lays on her scratching post, and begin crying. I’m overwhelmed and my feelings are difficult to process. She is my number one nursemaid and comes to my side when I crumple on the living room carpet a few feet away. So many people love and care for me, so what’s wrong?
The question “What’s wrong?” has become the bane of my existence and I find it as impossible to answer as “how’s it going?” The churning activity inside me makes responding to these questions so hard. How to reduce the whir of ideas, work accomplished and embodied changes (perimenopause, rash in my left armpit, tendonitis, grey roots) I’ve been going through to a single word or explanation? Is that what people/we want when we ask this question, a single sanitized answer?
Since the pandemic began I’ve been working full throttle, maintaining friendships, trying to stay fit, and sitting in wonder at the pandemic calamity that continues to unfold around us. I send and receive messages about how strange and lonely our lives have become. I also send and receive messages about love and care and doing our best. Yet I’m emotionally spent, scraping the bottom of my resilience barrel for the bits that remain.
Will I implode or collapse? No, I’m just articulating my complex reality and instead of turning my frown upside down, sometimes I just wanna say that I’m not OK.
Expressing these untidy emotions can feel risky. Folks seem worried about me after I post a sad face or a quiet floral image with the words “today is hard” beside it. They respond very quickly with sweet emojis and messages asking what’s wrong and if they can help. When we give of ourselves we often receive a karmic thank you; the universe notices. That may be driving people to respond to my distress, but I think the nano-second response time is linked with the fact that what I’m saying resonates.
As a society we’re not well-versed in talking about the feels that run deep within us and threaten to unsettle our fluid, indeterminate reality. We post A LOT about empathy but don’t often do it in the nuanced ways that feel comforting. Where’s the Brené Brown follow through when we NEED it?! Responses like “I hope you feel better soon” to this kaleidoscope of pandemic things seems to reinforce the idea that I have a transitory problem that can be treated. But, as I see it, we’re all struck with a similar sickness that is the fear of the unknown. A vaccine will help, but so will genuine communication.
There is another curative practice, beyond the logic of understanding our “unprecedented times”, that gives me something to hang on to. That logic is intuition, which flickers on and off in irregular flows. This current of ancient information is about trusting our bodies and protecting ourselves from harms that are both physical and emotional. THIS is how we survive and although it’s a little rough around the edges (we do more than fight or fly, right?), it’s something I feel compelled to heed.
Another way of honing my intuition is through tarot cards, which I’m spending more time with. Doing this helps gets me attuned to my deck and will, over time, make the pulls more aligned with my energies. It seems to be working already- HA HA! My pull for the day is The Judgement Card, Inverted.
The interpretation below is taken from Biddy Tarot, the most popular English-speaking tarot site:
Judgement reversed calls for a period of reflection and self-evaluation. Through meditation or contemplation, you may arrive at a deep understanding of the universal themes weaving throughout your life and what you can do or change to avoid these situations. You may have kept them secret or hidden because you fear how others may judge you. To clear these past mistakes and regrets, and any associated guilt or shame, work on your self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-love, and release and freedom.
The Judgement reversed often appears when the Universe is trying to send you a message, but you’re not listening. Maybe you’re afraid of the sacrifice you will need to make to heed the call, or you’re worried you are not ready to step into a more prominent role and just want to play it safe. You are doing your best to pretend you didn’t receive it and are carrying on with your daily life, hoping it will go away. But let’s be honest – the ‘call’ never goes away; it just gets louder and louder until you pay attention. It’s time to push past your inner fears and self-doubt, and trust that the Universe has your back. This is happening for a reason.
By the light of my morning candle, this makes so much sense. Listening to the universe’s call seems to jive with honouring my intuition, which I will tap into more frequently instead of only listening to faintly. It is here to help me. I’m seeing my counsellor tomorrow, for the first time since the pandemic began, which hits the need for self-love and release signalled by the card.
I’ve called this blog HZ because the YouTube video I’m listening to as I write is called “777Hz Infinite Healing Golden Wave, Positive Energy to Remove Negative Blockages.” A Google search refreshed my memory about HZ, which “equals the number of cycles per second. The frequency of any phenomenon with regular periodic variations can be expressed in hertz, but the term is used most frequently in connection with alternating electric currents, electromagnetic waves and sound.”
Another perfect alignment. Our good and hard feelings ebb and flow, like so many Hz throughout our lives and the millions of tiny moments they are comprised of. It’s ok to struggle and to cry, which is the same as laughing as Joni Mitchell says in her song Same Situation: “laughing and crying, you know It’s the same release.” Here’s to letting our hertzs pulse with the pain and the pretty filtered images, with the true feelings and the efforts to contain. Doing so helps nourish the connections between us.
If you’re curious about the image used in today’s blog, it’s called the Kalesvara Mudra. It is a hand gesture used to calm the mind and take control over thoughts and emotions. This mudra is dedicated to Kalesvara, otherwise known as the Lord of Time. Kalesvara Mudra therefore guides us to contemplate time, death and our behaviours in life, helping us to overcome unwanted traits by shifting the focus from monkey mind to self-observation.
How do you quiet your monkeys?