Tag:

women

The Night is Still Young

by treenaorchard November 18, 2021

Sixty minutes before my date is set to arrive and I begin doing crunches on the pink area rug in my office. Jhona brings his ball upstairs and plunks it down a few feet away from me. He stares with huge eyes in the dark hallway. I’m feeling calm and a little uncertain as I prepare for the night ahead. I’m listening to music the new man has recommended, Colter Wall.

I love the dark country jangle and boot stomping sounds that float out of my phone. The singer tells of a Devil who wears a suit and tie and how he saw him on the highway last July. I think of the time my mom told me that she saw the Devil. Hers also wore a suit, grey in color, and he hissed at her from a windowsill. It was when she was a lot younger and given what she’s been through, I believe her.

There’s so much out there.

As the soulful music twangs away, my fingers trace the contours of my left foot. I throw Jhona’s ball over the banister and hear him scramble on the hardwood floors. The furnace hums on and softly fills the air with warmth. I always forget about my feet. The skin glistens when I apply the body balm, greedily absorbing the oil. This feels like an act of kindness.

The night feels right, it’s slow and safe.

It’s early November and pitch-black by 5pm. Whatever time it is, it always feels later. I’m in this small room wondering what will happen. I do a few more crunches and feel my shaved body bits rub up against the unshaved, naturally soft parts. I wonder what it’s like for these two parts of me to meet. Do they already know each other?

Given the teeth-clenching, heart-deflating frustrations I’ve encountered over the past few months, I’ve learned to not get too excited about a date. Sometimes this makes me sad, and I wonder if good love or the kind of things I want from a man will ever come to me. I remain curious though. Will he smile wide at me from across the table and hang on my everything? Maybe he won’t be enthralled.

Will I rush home after dinner to let him touch me? Will he discover the stuffed animal lodged between my pillows? Sometimes I take it out before a date so that if the sheets do get pulled back and my white buffalo stuffie is discovered, they won’t think I’m weird for sleeping with a toy. I leave the faux animal tucked into its spot, like a secret for me to ponder.

Colter sings:

Well, who will bring back my Johnny Boy’s bones
To lay ‘neath the trees of his Tennessee home
A box, a box made of sturdy white oak
With his arms folded up and his blue eyes all closed

The South is so mournful, but we never really bury it.

It keeps getting resurrected through song, food, politics, ghosts, and tourism. I imagine the singer, a young Prairie man of just 26 years, laying down this track in a Nashville studio. A young man in a cowboy hat, with pocketfulls of pain that line each growly note. I add one of the new songs to my PLAY playlist.

November 18, 2021 0 comment

Sex and Dating

Palm

by treenaorchard October 7, 2020

Love travels a sticky flow of energies that ignite, excite, and sometimes cool. The meaningful relationship I Tindered my way into a year ago has come to a close. My heart is tender but ok. This relationship taught me a lot and was by far my most healthy, which I’m proud of and grateful for. Alongside tears and painful discussion there are words, always words. Part salve and part inside teacher, they lay like grey lace over the screen.

*******

I take a picture of Elliott crouching in the closet beside the bag that holds his things. Toothbrush, lounge pants, 4 pairs of socks, 3 t-shirts, the slippers I bought. An inventory of disappointment. She takes refuge from the sad uncertainty that dribbles from my almost closed heart. The theme song from Big Little Lies is on repeat and playing loud. Repeat. Repeat.

I made this decision several weeks ago, when I put his things in the bag for the first time. They waited in the darkened closet, like me, for word from the reluctant man.

Big talk, sex, and more Netflix brought us to the same place. No lies, just words and the stated wants of people trying to reach one another from opposite sides of life’s room.

I retreat into Florence Welch, who wrote a square book the colour of wine that beats with brilliance. On one black page sits a golden hand with a bright, blinking eye staring back at me. I think of the tedious, ferocious, constant care that love demands, that we demand as we labour to craft ourselves and the things we are told to need and hold up like the biggest fucking accomplishment. RELATIONSHIPS.

Our hearts are like beaver dams
Like nests that we plan and rebuild
While the seasons change

Are they our forever home?

Lovers are branches, shiny plastic, fear
With them we file our teeth and hope for the best
While traveling the length of love’s river

That winds around each finger, each mouth
Each palm
Its final resting place

October 7, 2020 0 comment

Day in the Life

Emerald

by treenaorchard August 24, 2020

We are drawn to the things we need, so goes the gemstone lore. If courage and protection are required, reach for tiger’s eye. Tapping into calming feminine energies that also ignite your intuition can be accomplished with the blue marble beauty of rainbow moonstone. Emerald recently spoke to me from inside a homespun store full of dried herbs, astrological oils, jewellery, and occult books. I am with one of my sisters, her two boys, and the man who is driving us across the country to be with my family. As he and the owner talk about voodoo and movies, I listen to their male dialogue.

Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be a man, to have lumps of flesh hanging outside the body. What do these bits feel like to them?

They seem connected to the self and an array of other spaces both empty in the case of just hanging there and fleshly in the case of self-love and other people’s bodies; always in and always out. The owner writes numbers in the little receipt book and repeatedly stops before the thick double line at the end of the page where the sum total plus HST will appear.

I peek at my sister through the storefront window to share an exaggerated, ‘They’re STILL at it’ look, but she’s busy with the boys who are growing bored. Instead of asking them to wrap it up, I edge closer to the counter and take out my debit card while throwing a smiling glance at my guy. He gets the hint and begins walking to the exit, still discussing movies. The transaction is completed and I leave with my emerald and other treasures and he with a sodalite, one of the stones of awakening.

The dusky green gem holds secrets, all gemstones do. Emerald is a stone of inspiration as well as patience that enhances unity, clairvoyance, and helps bring to the surface that which is unconsciously known. These qualities were essential during our long journey through the prairies, the Canadian shield, and the territory between us. They will continue to shape our emotional destiny and the depths to which we travel in our love and our loyalty to one another and ourselves.

Long live the summer road trip.

August 24, 2020 0 comment

Sex and Dating

Why should I perform your erotic capital?

by treenaorchard August 4, 2020

The responses to my public writings about dating have been very varied. I’ve had lovely emails, article comments, and DMs from women and men who support and relate to my experiences about sexuality, gender and digital life more broadly. The trolls, incels, and conservatives who ‘believe in equal rights, just not feminism’ have also crawled out of their lairs to mansplain and misogynize.

Some examples of my non-fan mail, which I have shortened for posterity but kept all original, rather poor grammar intact (the “an” though):

“Men quit. Western women are free to go girl! Really, go. Away.”

“I’m not sure you have learned the most fundamental lesson from using the bumble app: It is hard to approach a member of the opposite sex knowing that most times you will be rejected for reasons not readily apparent…Perhaps we live in a matriarchal society, an hypothesis I suspect you are not willing to entertain under any circumstances.”

“I believe in real equality and wish sexual harassment and all the other related crimes don’t exist. But I can’t get behind this whole man-hating, victim playing movement…I would not hire a feminist that’s for sure. Because the moment I promote a male instead of her, she will play that card, instead of taking responsibility for her shortcomings and put in the work to earn it.”

I have responded to more than a handful of these visionary male commentators. DON’T READ THE COMMENTS—I know, but sometimes I can’t help it! When I respond, some guys backtrack in cowardly silence, while others retort with more lame bullshit. About half of those who reply to my replies come back with pleasantly insightful clarifications of their initial position or just say, basically, thank you.

Given what I have learned about the men who read my work, I didn’t think their messages would continue to bug me. Yet, a seemingly ‘innocent’ one I received two days ago has really irked me. FYI: we didn’t “meet” anywhere and we were among 45 participants in an Equity, Diversity & Inclusion webinar.

Hello Dr. Orchard,

I had the privilege of meeting you in today’s meeting on gender equality, etc. It’s seven months that I am in Canada and I have not been able to find a partner. Reading your research area and expertise, I was wondering if you could help me familiarize myself with the dating culture here and maybe introduce me to any dating platform you deem functional/legitimate or any other means you think works. I hope you do not find this email awkward.

My response to this oh-so-awkward email included the following:

Hello X,

The dating culture in London is complex, fun, and takes time to learn about. Looking for a partner is a very specific aim, whereas dating is more open-ended and what I would recommend when using dating apps or online sites that are more causal in nature- like Tinder, OKCupid, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, and so on. I suggest using broad parameters regarding the distance you will travel (taking Covid parameters into consideration) and the age range of your prospective dates. Use current photos ONLY and mix it up to ensure you are presenting the kind of person you are seeking, whatever that may be (i.e., active, family-oriented, hard- working, cultured, travelled, etc). Include an interesting, original profile that doesn’t just list what you “want” but who you are as a person.

Best of luck

🙂 Treena

Why has this message gotten under my skin? Because it makes me feel like a service provider. I feel like a purveyor of free knowledge and resources to a male stranger who has not demonstrated what he has done to find anyone. It feels like lazy -and yes, awkward- passive consumption of the dating/erotic capital that I earned the hard way by living it, writing it and incorporating it into my professional life.

Erotic capital is a term that includes experiences related to the sex industry, aesthetics, caregiving, and different pleasure economies (i.e., sex toys, BDSM, travel, leisure, dating). British Sociologist Catherine Hakim (2010) argues that erotic capital is something women participate in more significantly than men (for all sorts of reasons, among them gender inequity), which often leads to its denial in patriarchal culture. This is reflected in the non-fan mail I received, where my dating experiences are decried as ridiculous because I am a feminist and because they violate what men think my dating life and my ideas about my dating life should look like.

[insert history geek] Over 150 years ago, Karl Marx (1867) distinguished between the capacity to do work (labour power) and the physical act of working (labour). The lonely hearts club man in question has the capacity to engage in dating labour but is asking me to labour for him through the ‘gentle’ request for my expert knowledge. You want to know the real pisser? Despite being fully cognizant of the inequitable whir of gender and labour all of this represents; I chose to respond and in such a nice way!

WTF?

Friends, this is a perfect example of three things: (1) The slippery slope of symbolic violence, whereby structurally-mediated inequities are misrecognized by marginalized community members as their fault; (2) My desire to see if/how he will respond for shits and for professional insights; and (3) I’m nice, too nice sometimes, which is closely linked with the small ‘p’ pity I felt for the guy.

Long story short: If you want to benefit from someone’s experience and expertise, acknowledge their time, energy, and include at the very least a thank you. An indication of how you will follow up with or perhaps reimburse them for their work is also a good thing to do. We see this increasingly on social media platforms, where folks who use sites like Instagram to generate income are requesting that users sign up for Patreon memberships. These memberships range from $5-$25/month and are a fabulous way to pay the people who provide information and entertainment to us on the regular.

None of us are doing it for free, nor should we.

Works Cited

Hakim, Catherine. “Erotic capital.” European sociological review 26.5 (2010): 499-518.

Marx, Karl (1867). Das Kapital: Kritik der politischen Oekonomie. Volume 1: Der Produktionsprozess des Kapitals (1 ed.). Hamburg: Verlag von Otto Meissner.

August 4, 2020 2 comments

Day in the Life

Toad Totem

by treenaorchard July 22, 2020

Since Elliott’s harness arrived two weeks ago we have been enjoying daily jaunts outside. The first jaunt begins around 6-6.30 am, which I affectionately call “Morning Glory.” But prior to putting the pink flamingo straps around her neck and under her arms, there is much preparation. It’s amazing to see how intent she is to get me up: endless jumps on the bed with pleading eyes, many loud meows, and repeated trips up and down the stairs wailing all the while. Once upon a time, these dramatic antics were about being fed but not anymore. Now it’s strictly about the business of getting outside.

But I make her wait until I take my vitamins, select an essential oil for the diffuser and set it up, turn on my computer, find a YouTube ‘healing music’ video, open the front door and the living room drapes, check my phone and go to the bathroom. Why do I make her wait? Because I’m at her beck and call 99% of the time and, frankly, I love the neurotic push and pull we create. I exclaim loudly that she’s “too much” and then say, “We’re going outside”, after which she cries and gets in my way as I walk around the kitchen. Then, I say, “Just one more thing” as I complete my mundane morning checklist.

Prior to the arrival of the harness, I didn’t spend much time outside. In fact, I had convinced myself that I’d let the yard ‘take care of itself’ until the Fall, when I’d pay someone to clean it up. How ridiculous, but also understandable. It’s been fifteen years since I owned a house and a yard is a lot different than taking care of houseplants. I felt inexperienced and embarrassed that I don’t know more, especially because all the women in my immediate family have always had green knowledge, sprouting everywhere. So, I retreated and watched the grass turn brown.

“Don’t worry, everyone’s grass is brown right now,” most people said, which made me feel better but also kinda stupid. Surely I can figure some things out, weed at least. Now, during the morning glory escapades I grab my floral gardening gloves and tackle different spots in the backyard, along the side of the house, and even at the front, where I’m very visible. What we must look like! My hair in wild curls because of the humidity, wearing what I wore to bed (t-shirt, underwear) with a hoodie and pants or shorts with Elliott getting her lead tangled, straining to get further and often straying into the yard of the quiet neighbours to my left.

Honestly, I think they’re glad to see us outside because it shows that we care about the property. I daresay that was a bit of a concern given the relative abandon I showed the yard in the first few weeks. How small life can seem when the looks of people I don’t even know register as significant. I’ve felt more than surveillance though, to be sure; there is a sense of community too. The woman and her son next door lost their cat last week and I dropped off a card for them early one morning. It was a nice thing to do and they appreciated it deeply.

But then the woman, who was clearly grieving, was weirdly chattering to me while day drinking, which was triggering – memories of my mom and myself. Her jiggly face and false happiness were so familiar. ICK. Not the look per se, but the churny emotions I felt upon seeing her. Luckily, I didn’t have far to go to collect myself. Small things can open up into larger ones in a second. Trauma and life itself are like that. Those origami ‘fortune teller” squares we made in elementary school come to mind. Remember? The kind that sit on your fingers and move in and out while the ‘customer’ selects options from the crystal ball that unfolds into an 8 x 11 piece of paper at the end.

While weeding this morning, Elliott and I got a little surprize. Actually, it was a fairly plump surprise – the size of small apple, a lumbering toad. After I disturbed his habitat he loped off, sticking close to the fence, and was gone. Elliott tried to scoop him up but was unsuccessful. Slow Spring flies are more her hunting speed! After the toad left we resumed our morning unison at the far end of the driveway, where the weeds are especially thick. I was thankful to see the toad, which is connected with water elements and symbolizes:

Cleansing
Renewal, rebirth
Fertility, abundance
Transformation, metamorphosis
Life mysteries and ancient wisdom

If the toad appears, it can mean:

It’s a time to tread more lightly in your daily life
Consider going camouflage or working undercover to achieve a goal
Your vocalizations, speech and writings may have more reach than you think possible
You are being protected
You may be more empathetic or absorbing of your environment than you think

These life-affirming attributes and associations feel in line with where I’m at. Although sometimes scattered and stressed, mainly I am holding my own space and doing it well. I feel happy, loved, and am learning- yes, it has to be learned- to let the sunshine flow into my streams of blood, oxygen, and breath that make it all possible. To allow myself to feel happy is an affirmative action of self-love, strength, and harmony. A totem is a sacred item that represents various people, places, and things. As a totem animal, toad is a magical nymph that transgresses and thus knows much about the water and the land. This is good wisdom that I let beam through me.

July 22, 2020 0 comment

Day in the Life

Designing Calm During Covid-19

by treenaorchard July 7, 2020

Apartment with a beautiful, balanced design

While clipping my fingernails in the bathroom sink a couple of days ago, I heard my neighbour across the hallway blow-drying her hair. For over a decade, I have listened to this sound almost every day. Yet, it struck me as something profoundly different that morning. It ceased being the white noise of apartment living and became a symbol of connection. The sound lets me know she is there, which is so comforting in these times of solitude.

I began to think of other familiar sounds, like the steady street traffic and firetrucks that often zoom through my gentrifying neighbourhood. The melodic ding of the bells from the Gothic church across the street that ring on the hour, which infuse my life with regularity. There’s also the regular wailing of the street folks who stream into our yard in ragged twos and threes to fix dope and suss out things to steal.

Why do these things matter? How are we re-situating ourselves amid the uncertainty of iso?

The coronavirus has travelled from a market in Wuhan, China to Europe, parts of north Africa, the Americas, and several countries in the southern hemisphere. For some reason, maybe because it originated on the other side of the planet, I didn’t anticipate that it would reach Canada so fast or that it would be as tragic as it has been. As the winter of 2020 melts into an alien spring, I struggle to find myself inside the solitary bubble of daily life.

In some ways, the shift to working at home full time hasn’t been that difficult because I often work here, where some of my best writing happens. But, I no longer labour in my apartment on days and during hours of my own choosing. This is the only place I am permitted to live, work, and re-place the other pieces of my life that normally happen outside these walls. Writing and other tasks don’t always flow with ease under these new conditions.

Maybe it’s OK that my productivity is inconsistent because I’m supposed to be doing more than work anyways. This is a marathon not a sprint, right? Stories abound about the various pandemic hobbies people are picking up, including watching movies, knitting, gardening, and board games. I’ve got Netflix mastered but haven’t yet unravelled the secrets of the tarot cards I ordered, nor have I acquired the “Covid abs” I joked about several weeks ago.

Alongside creative writing, what has eased my troubled spirit during the pandemic is Pinterest. Yes, Pinterest, specifically images of mid-century modern and urban boho interiors. In June I’m moving from my apartment into a killer three bedroom Edwardian home, which I am over the moon about. Searching for décor and renovation ideas is the happy constant in my days, which tend to bleed into one another rather seamlessly.

Initially, I saved the images in my Pinterest account. But, then I began posting some of them on Facebook and Instagram. Don’t forget to get FREE Instagram Followers or buy Facebook Page Followers on reputable websites. Check out this dramatic little bathroom with shiny teal tiles and a huge quartz tub. Look at this sunny, plant-filled living space with Danish couches and a Mexican throw. Isn’t this room sweet, with its earth tone circles painted above an artfully messy bed with a grey cat that matches the art deco wardrobe?

Friends and followers alike commented about how calm the images made them feel. The collective interest in these designs got me thinking about the relationship between space and wellness. None of the pictures feature people, just empty spaces. Actually, they’re not empty, they’re masterfully orchestrated and part of what draws people in is their composition. Good design is fundamentally about balance, whether it’s through symmetry, asymmetry, or radial distribution.

It makes sense that people are gravitating to images of balance, which is an aspect of life during these strange days that is really hard to navigate. These beauteous rooms may also resonate with us because they are soothing places to spend time in, even if it’s just for the few seconds of scrolling through an online feed or two. We need easy things every now and then. We also need, or want, nice things and these pictures are inspirational from a consumer standpoint. You’re welcome, Wayfair!

At a deeper psychic level, the attraction to these images might also be connected with the principles of sensory grounding. Many of us use smell, sight, touch, sound, and taste (not applicable in this instance though, unless devices become edible!) to anchor ourselves, whether it’s in counseling sessions, yoga, or other wellness activities. Becoming centered and aligning our minds with our bodies is a powerful way of reminding ourselves that we are here and we are safe.

Much of my “free” time during isolation hasn’t felt very free. In fact, it seems like a burden to redistribute the handful of things that now count as my life across an increasingly large expanse of time. Insert tumbleweeds.

Moving through these recalibrated routines can also be hard emotionally. The one exception is my design time, which feels boundless and exciting personally and in a collective sense given the restorative beauty generated by my Pinterest images.

These creative pursuits also feel curative in the original sense of the Latin term curare, which means “take care of.” Allowing myself time and space to cruise through the endless pictures is a form of self-care, and it’s a practice many of us engage in on a daily basis. These reflections on finding or designing calm during Covid are a small reminder of the things within our reach that might be overlooked as sources of solace in these unsettling times. There is solidarity in tranquility. Thank you, Pinterest.

July 7, 2020 0 comment

Day in the Life

My Mother’s Jacket

by treenaorchard June 29, 2020

Moving is fundamentally about deciding which material items stay and which go. Some of my decisions in this regard echo Marie Kondo’s joyful approach to “tidying up” in the sense that I actively engage in a dialogue about what my stuff means to me. Such discussions do not involve the items easily tossed into the “donations”, “no”, or “garbage” piles. Nor are these materialistic monologues about the things I have decided I cannot live without, literally. These narratives circle around the objects, clothes, papers, jewellery, books, and decorative items I’m on the fence about.

The betwixt and between things are often from the past, which is not something fixed or over. The past is a moving force that constitutes the generative DNA of the now.

The more we learn about ourselves the more we can re-read yesterday’s cards and see new things in the tea leaves. That is one of the gifts of healing. We won’t always forgive everything that has happened, but we can see deeper into the eye of time – that wild friend of the cosmos. When we do this, we are dancing with the universe in ways that enable us to lead our destiny.

For a long time, the many pains I suffered caused me to rewrite my past. There were no happy memories, no gentle loving moments, only sadness and shouldering other people’s issues. Even though it wasn’t true, part of me felt like I needed to do that to the past in order to own the present. Some of this is linked with our rather binary cellular design, which is intended to protect us from danger and encourage us to trust our instinct. Flight OR Fight. Yet, we live most of our waking time in the land of the grey, which makes complex experiences and our orientation to time itself hard to navigate sometimes.

While unpacking, I found a bunch of photos that spanned my most early days until the 1990s. I ran my fingers along the curved, thick edges and marvelled at the people, bad and cute haircuts, places, and feelings that surfaced as I went through the stack repeatedly. I was happy to not just see the smiling faces, including mine, but to register that that little girl was me. She is me. There was much good in those early days, which I was allowing to register. It was like taking that puzzle piece I had been carrying in my purse for years and attaching it to the increasingly complete jigsaw that is my life. It felt really good.

Yesterday, I unpacked the final two boxes. They were layered leftovers from other containers and I dreaded organizing them. It actually took very little time to “yay” or “nay” the contents, until a black dress coat interrupted the flow of decision-making.

My mom bought it many moons ago but can no longer wear it. Instead of giving it away, which she couldn’t bring herself to do because of how expensive it was (which she has told me countless times over the years), she insisted I have it. I have never worn it and even when she was a size ¾, she barely wore it.

This coat is a symbol of my mother’s struggle for her own body, her own happiness, her own self. I don’t think she was happy when she bought it, but it was a mark of achievement, however fleeting. The past is a powerful place for her, full of both turmoil and freedom. She has done a tremendous amount of work to leave many of the harmful bits a little further away, which I’m thankful for.

I continue to carry her coat from place to place, like a hallowed inheritance. I’m still figuring out what it means to me, then and now.

June 29, 2020 2 comments

Culture and People

Be a Lady They Said

by treenaorchard March 5, 2020

Can you tell this zygote is going to be a feminist?

“Be a lady they said” was written on December 6, 2017 when Camille Rainville, now twenty-two years old, was studying at the library on the University of Vermont campus. Rainville created her blog Writings of a Furious Woman to spotlight the now viral 785-word poem read by Cynthia Nixon during the three minute fashion film released last week by the same name.

Viewed over 20 million times, the praise for and critiques of Be a Lady They Saidare rolling in. Primarily celebrated as a painful testament to the impossible social standards women are subjected to, some view it as a “step back.” Judith Taylor, a sociology professor at the University of Toronto’s Women and Gender Studies Institute, contends that because the film offers no solution to these pressures it is little more than an exercise “of wallowing in self-pity”.

As a fellow academic, Taylor’s reading of the film sounds familiar, steeped as it is in the language of inclusive social action, albeit rather idealized and myopic. Raised white fist in the ivory tower.

As a woman, watching the slick montage of suffering felt familiar. I don’t relate to the models or featured celebrities, but to the routinized oppression of women under patriarchy. This oppression begins early and before I was a zygote inside my mother’s body, it was decided that I will be less important than a man. Although impossible to fully describe what inhabiting my lesser skin is like, the emotions generated by Claire Rothstein’s film come close: jagged, fast, layered, sad, and beyond our grasp to circumvent.

The evil bullshit of patriarchy runs through though every aspect of my life, from the invisible power systems that reproduce gender inequity to the cellular aspirations I convince myself are a good idea: lean, low carb, chocolate if I’m lucky. It’s why I avoid eye contact on the bus and volunteer only on certain kinds of committees at work, mainly the ones with fewer old white men. It shapes how I speak to myself and the way I eat in public, if at all.

Women are constantly made to feel like misfit enemies of a system that wants us to be smooth and silent as well as fiery and forceful. These are the contradictions of an unfree set-up and the solution, Dr. Taylor, is to burn it down.

I relish the day when it’s not just a few thousand of us at international marches and slut walks, but when we all walk the hallways of our lives with the confidence that comes with equality. We don’t need to be men to rule, but we do need men- and others- on our journey towards solidarity. We must stand together to halt the plutocratic greed that is killing us and the bounty of the earth. Perhaps most of all we need to continue reading, writing, and fighting our way through the bio-toxicity we make our girls, our women, ourselves swallow every day.

They can inherit something else if we care enough to make it happen.

March 5, 2020 0 comment

Sex and Dating

Top Types of Bumble Men: Nice Men who Travel…and More

by treenaorchard February 24, 2020

I’ve written and thought a lot about the men I met and observed while scrolling through the Bumbleverse. Men choose a staggeringly diverse array of images, in terms of number, quality, and content. But, a few key types emerged, including the “Chill Adventurer” that I discussed a few blogs ago. Here, I want to share some of the other types or themes that made my top 20 list.

Before I get into the list, I’ll let you in on how I’m trying to make sense of what these images tell us about men and how they present themselves. Like I said, a lot of the pictures were quite bizarre and many were downright unflattering, which seemed to contradict the purpose of being on a dating app…to look semi-hot and/or get the attention of your paramour to bee.

They might serve another purpose, these zany visuals, that is linked with Bumble’s design. On this app guys have to wait until women select them, which was frustrating to many male users. This was often reflected in their profiles or conversations: “Why doesn’t someone say hi?”; “HELLO OUT THERE”; “Don’t start a conversation you’re not going to finish.”

This impatience and discomfort may make some men choose weird photos to stand out to women and from their competition. This behaviour is seen in other avenues of the animal kingdom, where male animals and insects alike display themselves in wildly attractive ways as they compete amongst one another with the hopes of being selected by the females.

What do the Images Reveal?

But the variety of men, oh my! As my yoga teacher said upon viewing the pictures I would often be screaming about while entering the studio: “Oh, the humanity.” Some come spicily close to some of the ones I’ve seen on Grindr: men in cowboy boots and a cutsie pose; the hillbilly guy in a wifebeater leaning playfully into the back of a truck; and men showing off their bodies in ways that border on humiliation (i.e., short-shorts, being sprayed by a hose). These images reveal men who play, engage in risk, and are willing to trade their ‘good looks’ for the bonus points of being picked from among the crowd by the right-swiping maidens in the hive.

Ok, but If I knocked on his door would he answer wearing nothing but a ball cap and obscenely small underwear? If I walked by the carnage of cheap wigs and make-up, would he think he had a chance with me? He likely wouldn’t, have a chance I mean, and this makes me wonder some more about these images. Maybe they’re not even about appearing sexually attractive.

Maybe they’re part of a fantasy, an opportunity to express themselves in ways not normally accessible. The fact that the gaze is strictly female is also interesting to think about—for our eyes only, not the prying eyes of other men. Maybe it’s about having the freedom to represent themselves however they like. I also think it’s just good old-fashioned male confidence: this is ME, love it or leave it!

Lists to Lust After: Top 2-10

2. The Traveller- Depicted in readily identifiable places (i.e., NYC, Dubai, LA, Paris), often qualified by number of countries visited, a display of countries via flag emojis, and places they’ve just returned from or hope to get to in the future. The Game of Thrones chair features large. These chairs are found in just five locations throughout the world: Brasil, Canada, Sweden, Spain, and the UK. I think it’s super ugly and cheap looking, but it’s a fav. among the male travelling types on Bumble.

3. The Active Guy- Zip-lining, competition photos while running or biking, much athletic wear.

4. The Nice Guy- Sweet, small smile that often involves a tilt to the head and maybe an old person.

5. The Snuggly Guy- Pictured having fun with dogs and kids, cats less so.

6. The Serious Guy- More common than you might think. Imagine: Blue steel. Take me seriously because I take myself seriously and don’t forget, I’m taking a serious picture of myself.

7. The Wild Guy- Frequently seen drinking booze, in Mexico or another beach-oriented spot. He’s often emitting open-mouthed screams while wearing ball caps and shades.

8. The Eyebrow Guy- Also more common than you would think. It’s basically serious guy with one raised eyebrow and a snarly, sneaky mouth that says: ‘I don’t caaarreee…I’m funny.’

9. The Money Guy- This includes the many “entrepreneurs” and “venture capitalists” and they usually wear dress shirts (light purple colour tucked into non-pleated black pants) and have short slick hair, sometimes a big watch is visible. They’re often featured in a business/luxury oriented public place, maybe a vacation scene which reflects their life of leisure, money, and adventure.

10. The Daydream Guy- These ones are typically lying down and seen vacationing in warm places. Many feature close-ups of their faces and the big eyes seem to tell us that they are sweet people who like romance and want affection.

Next time, I’ll take you through the rest of the list and include my reflections on a few extra special images that didn’t make the cut. What might these outlier pics say about the men who use Bumble? How do you select the pictures on your best swiping platforms?

February 24, 2020 3 comments

Sex and Dating

Bumble Basics: Retrospective Reflection from An Anthropologist

by treenaorchard December 30, 2019

I spent five months inside the Bumble hive and write about these torrid experiences from the perspective of an anthropologist who studies sexuality and a woman trying to date. I found the Bumbleverse a tough place to break into in a meaningful way. The preference for messages over meeting was one of the perplexing observations I made. Does texting equal dating in this palm-held landscape? Does this explain the predilection many men have about fleshly encounters? But, if dating isn’t about meeting someone what is it about?

I’ve written about these experiences here and elsewhere. In this piece, I return to the most fundamental – and often overlooked – building block of the Bumble process: decision-making. Exploring this hidden aspect of the routinized behaviours we engage in globally—we use the same platforms—reveals the psycho-social and emotional circuity that gives meaning to contemporary dating cultures and our experiences within them.

Why reflect on this when we’re many years into Bumble and dating apps broadly speaking? Because although these platforms are used ubiquitously, people who use them rarely reflect on what they’re actually doing or what using these apps means personally or in social terms. Indeed, the things we do and use every day often escape our reflection because they are so common. Yet, they reveal insights about how we live and, in this instance, how we Bumble.

The dynamics of swiping culture

At one level, the decisions are fairly straight forward. Left for the less attractive profiles and right for the hot ones. But what about the ones in between, which make up around 30% of the selection? I found these “maybe guys” demanded the most work in terms of decision-making. This was mainly because I live in a rather provincial city with very few super hot options. If I said no to a lot of these 50-50 guys I might really be losing out. But, if I swiped right on a bunch of them, and they ‘liked’ me, then I’d need to create a bunch of opening conversations.

Yes, this is the point of being on Bumble but starting conversations with a load of strangers doesn’t always feel ‘natural.’ Speaking to a couple of men in the course of a night out, OK maybe, but not 20 a day! It also generates a lot of texting activity, which I kind of despise and found hard to manage without feeling manic.

Creating multiple opening lines involves deciding what to say, how to say it and then responding in suitable timeframes to what they say – if they say anything at all! Then there’s the checking in – often obsessively – to see if they have indeed gotten back, all of which occupies a tremendous amount of time. I turned off my notifications after a week or so because I couldn’t stand the invasion of the notification dings.

Taking a break from Bumble is another way to reduce the cray feels. However, like any good capitalist product, inactivity is discouraged on the app. Indeed, users regularly receive messages from “HQ” about increased productivity, for which we receive virtual pats on the back. We’re good little bees! Inactivity also wouldn’t get me inside the male hives I wanted to explore. So, I had to press on and continue sending out my opening lines (113 in 5 months), which I found challenging creatively and physically because I only type with one hand.

Ultimately, it comes down to the age-old question many of us ask ourselves, almost unconsciously, in various social situations (i.e., the bus, the waiting room, the bank): would I or wouldn’t I? Sex is what I wanted, so that was driving my selection process, which is true for most Bumble users. I wasn’t interested in meeting someone just to meet ‘someone.’ I don’t need another male admirer…I know that sounds cocky, but it’s true.

The VIP advantage: Or is it?

I purchased the VIP package to help manage some of my Bumble decisions. The paid version offers additional features and/or categories of prospective matches beyond those offered in the free version (i.e., left or right on the main feed). It actually increases the decisions that need to be made but made me feel more in control. Along with being able to extend my matches past the 24-hour period, the VIP package allowed me to access the “Beeline.” These men hung out in blue circles on the top row of my home roster and are the guys who have already “liked” me. Unlike the Russian Roulette of the main feed, swiping right on these guys guarantees a match.

Like the “maybe guys” I mentioned above, I often struggled with the Beeline guys because they were like my rainy-day fund in case I wasn’t having much luck in the main feed or with other guys in the Beeline. I didn’t want to squander them and would regularly look at these symbolic beacons of hope and wonder what they’re like. Do they really like me and what does ‘like’ mean?

When these guys appeared in the main feed I had to decide, one way or another, to keep playing. I would often get nervous to swipe left because doing so means I was kissing a ‘definite’ match good-bye. Instead of deciding, sometimes I just closed the app and returned a few minutes later. That sometimes works for a guy or two, but then the blue guys often appear again. Decisions of all magnitude must be made for the game to continue.

Time to press snooze?

I am not alone in my complex feels about the whole thing because Bumble recently launched the “Snooze” feature that allows users to take a break without losing their connections. This feature is described as: “encouraging you to go offline so you come back to our community a healthier, more balanced person — whenever you’re ready”. Welcome to the Bumble California, where you can check out any time you like but you can never leave!

Talk about using ‘wellness speak’ to deflect responsibility and make frustrated users feel nuts while ensuring we remain signed up. Yikes!! I realize that it’s not all “Bumble’s fault” that many of us have weird, unfulfilling experiences, but its design directly contributes to some of the strange things that happen on this platform. Would I have used the Snooze function during my digital tour of duty on this platform? Maybe, but what if some great guy(s) were scooped up scoop by another Bumble girl while I’m decompressing in my sticky hive? That would suck…

The risk of not remaining in the game – FOMO anyone – is a powerful determinant in Bumbling and digital life more generally. Are these restorative offers an illusory attempt to put a caring face on the yellow hive in the palm of our hands. The idea of ‘the app’ caring for us as customers is interesting to consider. For me, it conjures up images of The Wizard of Oz and 1984: dystopic mechanisms of power hidden behind emerald cloaks and Big Brothers. Bumble is part of the broader capitalist post-industrial economy that makes our globe, and our hearts, spin.

During my five months inside the hive I often pondered the cost of this exchange of my time, money, and emotional energies for the sometimes sexy but more often frustrating buzz around the Bumbleverse. Instead of introducing a snooze function, why not add more user -informed features to enhance the harmony and humanity of our dating devices and experiences?

December 30, 2019 0 comment

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